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10 Hilarious Things About Childbirth Worth Laughing Over

There are few things about childbirth many mothers would rather forget.

I’m not talking about pain. (Thank you, Mr. Epidural…) I’m talking about all that OTHER STUFF.

Things we didn’t realize were going to happen, and then happened, and now our husbands have excellent embarrassment ammo for public gatherings.

The moment has come for me to rise up and free future generations of delivering mamas from the bondage of childbirth-induced-shame.

To quote Mel Gibson….FREEEEEDOOOOMMMM!

Who’s with me?!

I’m laying it all out on the birthing table. It’s time to reveal all the secrets I wished someone had told me about childbirth before I actually got there.

Secrets About Childbirth No. 1:
The Diva in the Delivery Room

There’s a Diva in the delivery room.

…and it isn’t you. *phew*

It’s your bladder.

She is usually at the top of the “attention” list.  When she wants to relieve herself, you MOVE to get her what she wants. I don’t care if you’re sitting down with the President, if she wants you to leave, you LEAVE.

So, consider her surprise when Little Miss Uterus steals center stage. Not. Cool.

How does she respond?

  • If she’s just pouting, expect a dribbling river of pee (and count yourself lucky).
  • If she’s angry? Well…it’s a good thing the doctor wears a face mask, because it’s about to get all Mt. Vesuvius up in there.

Either way, don’t let it bother you. Everyone knows she’s just pathetically ploying for attention. *eyeroll*

Secrets About Childbirth No. 2:
Every Party Has a Pooper

You are about to perform one of life’s great magic tricks.

As my mother oh-so-timely reminded me on the way to the delivery room: “You’re about to push a watermelon through a tailpipe.”

Naturally, such an effort requires a serious amount of hard pushing…more than a baby could start crowning.


Honestly, you’ll probably not even notice it happened because nurses are discreetly awesome. (Really, they’re the unsung heroes of the birthing room.)

Besides what are you going to do?  Hold everything back? STOP PUSHING?

Yeah…didn’t think so.

Listen sister, don’t sweat it. If your husband teases you, threaten to unmask to the world how Mr. Manliness passed out on the floor like a rag doll. Works like a charm.


Secrets About Childbirth No. 3:
The Little Toot That Could

Nothing gets me giggling like a good toot. (By someone else, of course.)

Actually, in my house we call it “fluffing” because my three girls like to pretend they’re dainty, despite the fact that their BRRRAAP’S wake the neighbors.

It’s pretty common, in the midst of all that’s going on, for a few organs to start talking.

“You know what could really
bring this experience to a whole new level?
A soundtrack!”

Prepare yourself for some Tijuana Brass my friends, because you may just toot out of holes you didn’t know could toot.

See what having kids will teach you?

That every part of the body wishes it has a voice. That’s what.

Secrets About Childbirth No. 4:
The Blood. O THE BLOOD.

WARNING: Husbands should probably skip this section.

I’m going to steer AWAY from Evil Dead references here and just mention that blood happens.  You know what else happens?

Blood jello the size of half-dollars.

….and there goes the gag reflux.

Yeah, that was a bathroom surprise. What the…?

There’s a reason the nurses give you Giantess-Sized Maxi Pads. (My girls wore them as bonnets!) After the occasional blood clot nuggets, *dry heaving* prepare yourself for The Eternal Period.

Technically, it’s not eternal. It just feels like it. Usually it’s 3-6 weeks. Cesarean sisters are not exempt! (Evidently your body doesn’t think you’ve suffered enough.)

Secrets About Childbirth No. 5:
Your Sexy Deflated Balloon

You enter the hospital with rock hard abs (of a fashion). You leave with a deflated balloon.

But before you get all “WAHHHH! I’M SO FAT!” on yourself, remember this: Your uterus is magic.

It’s going to shrink before your very eyes! …Unless it’s your third or fourth trip to the OB.

In that case, you should probably start a new Rockin’ Abs Pinterest board to publicly state you’re aware of the problem and are at least pretending to fix it.

Or, if you are actually serious about your postpartum pooch, head here. The MuTu program is amazing.

Secrets About Childbirth No. 6:
The Mucus Plug

You just read the words “mucus” and “plug”.

I think that’s all I really need to say about this subject.


Secrets About Childbirth No. 7:
The Exhaustion Effect: Oh look. A baby.

I know it seems strange, but if you’ve been in labor and pushing for hours there comes a point when your body just putters out like an old cartoon car.

When my first was born, after 36 hours of no sleep and hard labor, my first thought as a new mother was: “There she is. Now can I sleep?”

I knew I was excited, but I was so exhausted, I didn’t FEEL anything. Don’t make my mistake and feel guilty about something you can’t control. The feelings come. Promise.

If you’re feeling less-than-enthusiastic about this little person you worked so hard to see, don’t freak out. Bonding is something that is intensely personal between you and your very individualized baby.

It’s never happens the same way twice.

Feed her, love her, hold her, and then let someone watch her while you capture some much needed zzzzz’s.

Just because you’re not all grins and giggles at first doesn’t mean that you won’t be later.

Secrets About Childbirth No. 8:
The Pooooooolice

Another “Oh Joy!” moment about childbirth is recording your bowel movements with the nurse.

My nurse would come in with a clipboard (CLIPBOARD, like it was 1952!) and ask me if I’ve had my first “post baby bowel movement”.

Why? Is there some sort of a cash reward?

Of course, I hadn’t.

Mostly because of….

Secrets About Childbirth No. 9:
Intestinal Rebellion

All sorts of organs can have hissy fits about not being the center of attention during labor and delivery.

After racing to be the first organ to leave a specimen on the delivery table, the intestines will often decide to strike against “poor working conditions”. (Tell me you didn’t fail to congratulate them on their first place finish!)

Break the strike by taking Colace or any other pills your nurse offers. (Hint: an episiotomy and constipation do not make a happy couple.)

If your intestines like to rebel on a regular basis, and you’re worried about postpartum constipation, read this article. It gives you lots of ways to keep your digestive system properly obedient!

Secrets About Childbirth No. 10:
The Gift Bag of Oddities

Once your baby has shot into the world and the doctor leaves to ring the urine out of his face mask, the nurses will start handing you various contraptions and creams. Here are few of my favorite. I’ve linked a few of these here, just in case your hospital is stingy. 🙂

  • Maxi Pads as Big As Your Head ~ It’s Kotex on steroids.
  • One-Size-Fits-All Mesh Underwear ~ Yep. From Size 2 to 32. Oddly enough, they are not carried at Victoria’s Secret
  • Heavenly Antiseptic Spray ~ Numbing the nether regions into bliss.
  • Not-a-Toy Squirt Bottle ~ Guard this with your life. It’s the only thing between using spa-like warm water to rinse and rubbing toilet sandpaper on tender lady parts.
  • Magical Tucks Pads ~ You know that hemorrhoid commercial of that lady sitting on a cactus for a 6-hour flight? IT’S REAL.
  • Sheep Grease (a.k.a. lanolin) ~ Use it liberally or risk watching your nipples become agony spots of torture.
  • Ice Pack Panties ~ If you weren’t lucky enough to have the hospital concierge offer you these, here’s how to make your padsicles at home with witch hazel and lavender. (It sounds divine.)

Your Doctor:
A Sucker for Punishment

You know that guy?

That guy sitting across from your nether regions in the medical mask? Well that guy paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in college tuition to sit right there and experience it all firsthand.

I strongly believe you get what you pay for. If he didn’t want a face of poo and other nasty liquids, he should have gone into sales.

Here’s to not-giving-a-crap. *toast*

A Note to Preggers: Go Birth in Peace

Sweet pregnant sister-friend, I want you to go into the birthing room with your head held high.

I want you to know, deep in your bones, that nothing (and I mean nothing) is going to happen in there that hasn’t already happened a thousand times before. Concentrate on a healthy delivery, and give a swift booty-kick to the shame monsters. They are all imaginary anyway.

A Note to Been-There-Birthed-That Moms: Share Your Experience

Nothing makes a new mom feel better than hearing that she’s in good company. Let’s circle the wagons around the sacred fire of friendship. 

Share this post about childbirth with your friends on social media and let those up-and-coming mothers know these things are all normal and NOT shameful, even if they can feel like it at the time.

Sometimes it’s just good to know that someone else has gone through these things too!

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67 thoughts on “10 Hilarious Things About Childbirth Worth Laughing Over

  1. I was very bless in both my pregnancys and delieveries. Both only last a total of six hours, with my first (daughter) i didnt tear or have any bowl movements or peeing. My second (son) was alittle more odd mostly before delievery they broke my water and i wasnt allowed to get up to use the bathroom so they gave me a bed pan that the nurse had to put under me…? my husband slept through most of that lol he only woke up to watch him come in to the world. And i had the pleasure of hearing the nurses call me the machine during the pushing as i had no pain meds and the baby crowned very quickly. Lucy was born with four pushes, Joshua took i think 15 pushes he was big boy. I was the only delievery for my stay so i got extra treatment from the nurses, i think they were bored lol they kept coming in to refill my glass with ice and water any time it was empty with out me asking lol.

    1. Rebecca,

      Glad you’re deliveries went so well! If there weren’t a few good stories to share I can’t believe that the human race would continue. 🙂

  2. The one thing they never told me about was the first pee the next day. I swear to all that is holy, I about climbed the bathroom walls. THAT HURT!

  3. I had my first child a week ago. It was… an experience. I went all natural (no epidural or pain meds), but had to be put on pitocin due to my labor stalling and being close to 24 hours after my water breaking. I hadnt fully dilated and I was having contractions peaking at the top of the charts lasting for up to 5 minutes. I was at a 9 1/2 when I had to start pushing, and I just felt like I was going to pass out. After my son finally popped out, they rushed him to the warmer, he was born shoulder first. One doctor was taking care of him while the other tended to me. My placenta would not detach and came out in pieces. Later that night I passed out from blood loss and they rushed me to the surgery room for a DnC and blood transfusion. I ended up having to have two separate transfusions, one after surgery and one later the next day. It was terrifying. The doctor claims my son and I have a form of ptsd from the whole thing. I do get anxiety thinking about it. I want another child but I’m not sure what I want to do.. if any of you have suggestions, I’d love to hear it.

    1. Crystal, it’s actually not uncommon for there to be some PTSD after a difficult birth. I think it’s really important to remember three things when you’re looking back at an experience like this.

      1. Usually the first birth experience is the hardest because your body is being stretched and moving in ways that are 100% completely new. So just because the first birth experience was difficult doesn’t mean they all will be this way. (Case in point, my sister’s first childbirth was a lot like yours – she had to work through her own ptsd-like emotions and trauma, but she went on to have 4 other births – all of which were a cinch in comparison.)

      The “first birth is the easiest” doesn’t always happen, but it’s worth mentioning.

      2. Don’t even THINK about having additional children right now. There may (or may not) be a time to consider that, but now isn’t it. If you spend time on that question “do we want more children” right now, you may hamper the emotional process of healing after a traumatic experience. Stick with the right-now.

      3. Since your childbirth was so difficult, you should absolutely make sure you don’t push the healing process. Be a hermit. It’s okay. Give yourself plenty of time to physically heal and emotionally recover. It’s also not uncommon for moms who had a difficult birth to struggle with bonding with their baby at the beginning. (Since he was part of the trauma.) If this is you, don’t feel like a bad mom. Those feelings will come. Concentrate on going through the motions of getting lots of rest and feeding him, and cuddling…eventually those “motions” will become emotions but it may not happen immediately. Be patient with yourself. Hang in there sister. Let us know if we can encourage you or help in anyway!

  4. LOOOL!! My embarrassing birth moment: I farted while the midwife was stitching me up… and she wasn’t wearing a mask. I wanted to DIE!!

  5. As my midwife was stitching me up ( I had minor tears, thank God!), I just blurted “Oh, wow! I can feel my ribs!” Hahahaha the midwife just laughed at me.

  6. When I started going into early labor we were scheduled to see my doc later that same day to schedule and induce date so she had me induced that day ( thank goodness). My water didn’t break til 6+ hrs in and only a little amniotic fluid came out because of how far down she was. She was stuck at her ears for a good while and when she finally was born it was like a dam bursting or volcano exploding…everyone in a 2ft radius got sprayed by the remaining amniotic fluid, myself and my husband included! My doc thought ahead and put a full face mask on so she saved herself haha

    1. Those face masks…not just for show, eh? If you ever have another child, perhaps a face mask would make a great pre-birth Father’s Day gift! 🙂

  7. Im not pregnant or i dont have a baby, infact im not even married yet. I came accross this website while surfing for some information for my project (not this but some relevent information about child birth) something tiggered me to read this and I learnt a looooooooooooooooot. Now I feel like I know what to expect If I ever get pregnant. I will be getting married on Decmember, and I cant wait till I expirence all these and hold the prize for my pains in my hand. Every thing has a price to pay so this is the price of a baby, our own baby, our own creation. THANK YOU SIS FOR THE LESSON

    1. I’ve got to say, I should have done more research while I was pregnant; this blog would have given me so much info! While I was pregnant with my daughter, there were a lot of unknowns about the birth and “after the baby is here” info. Sure, you pee on a stick, go to the doc and get a giant book to read and literally scare you to death. But what they don’t tell you, or warn you, is about everything during labor and after the fact.

      With me, I was in labor for 39 hours…33 of them drug-free. I was lucky enough to have back contractions the ENTIRE time, oh wonderful me. For me, I went to the hospital only to get turned away because I wasn’t progressing enough. Um, that’s not what the TV shows tell you!! Lucky for me, I had a dr. appointment the following morning….she’ll admit me! Right….WRONG! Not only was I in labor while she checked my cervix (which, by the way, seemed like she was creating a secret hand shake with my daughter for how painful it was), she proceeded to strip my membranes. Uh…..what?! Fast forward to the good stuff, I get admitted to the hospital the following morning!! I get the “good stuff” THEN they put me on Pitocin…ha-ha! Well, turns out the first epidural didn’t work and I got woken up by an off the chart contraction, I’ve never called the nurse so fast in my life! Second time was the charm! Next came the catheter…which at some point became dislodged and I proceeded to pee the bed and on myself. Who cares, I was numb from the boobs down! Sure, everyone tells you that once you’re ready to push it feels like you’re going to poop…what they fail to mention is how strong that urge really is! I called my nurse and told her I’m either going to poop in this bed or a baby is going to come out. Baby comes and you’re spread-eagle on your back on display for whichever unfortunate soul dares to walk by to see your miracle.

      After the baby is out and in the nursery, you try and catch up on some sleep. Those book and everything else don’t mention that a nurse comes in your room every 2-3 hours to check your blood pressure, give you pills and push on your stomach to get all the excess blood out of your uterus. Well, that’s just fantastic. I was luck y enough to have a BM my first night with the help of a magic pill 🙂 I was given witch hazel pads and a cream to put ‘down under’ with my mega pad and mesh panties. That squirt bottle was a life saver!! People never really tell you how sore you are after pushing, I mean, I felt like I pushed out an entire football team. There’s so many muscles you use that you never expected to, and during pushing….you become pretty limber, much to my surprise! Another unfortunate thing that happened to me was after my daughter was born, everyone left the room to go be with her. I mean EVERYONE, nurses, husband, parents…..I was completely alone!! I was left with a hospital bed, dark room, a remote that didn’t work, still numb so I couldn’t walk and starving! Luckily my nurse was amazing and even gave me her dinner since I hadn’t eaten/slept in 3 days.

      Needless to say, every journey is completely different, terrifying and hilarious at some point or another. I will definitely be keeping this blog on my favorites and reference it for tons! Thanks for the amazing blog Heather!

    2. Stefanie! I totally forgot about the whole “push on your stomach thing”!! Goodness does THAT bring back memories. You are absolutely correct, there’s a ton about childbirth they don’t say. Probably because it’s icky. I’m so glad you’re enjoying the blog friend! 🙂 The first birth is (often *fingerscrossed*) the worst, because there’s just so much craziness you didn’t know could happen to one person within such a short amount of time. And then we look at that sweet face and completely forget about all of it. 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

  8. I remember asking why no one ever told me what happens to your boobs after childbirth and nursing. They just seemed to deflate and never get back up again. On my second pregnancy, my husband asked if I would not nurse the baby so my boobs would stay huge…forever. Also, my OB insisted on enemas for all of his moms in labor. I remember the nurse standing at the door of the bathroom asking me if I was finished as I let out the loudest foghorn I’ve ever heard….and she tip-toed away. I’ve often wished that that OB could himself experience the wonder of childbirth while writhing in pain on a toilet seat.

    1. LOL Foghorn! (I love the comments on this post!) Nothing like a husband to put childbirth and breastfeeding in the “right” perspective. A definite perk for them, eh? 🙂

  9. These are great. My baby turns 21 next weekend and my oldest turned 26 in March. I remember my Mom smuggling laxatives into my room like a mule carrying cocaine across the border and saying “Hurry and take these. You can’t go home until you poop”. Seriously????? I just expelled a human from my vagina and a turd is my exit pass????

  10. This made me gag:

    “If your husband teases you, threaten to unmask to the world how Mr. Manliness passed out on the floor like a rag doll. Works like a charm. DOESN’T IT SWEETIE?!”

    Gender roles are so funny. Ha ha they haven’t changed for centuries, ha. Boys act tough but they aren’t, ha. Girls are amusingly emotionally blackmailing, ha.

    It’s not disgusting at all.

    1. Are you familiar with humor? You know, laughing at things without a bitter cynicism? You gotta learn to see the beauty of things rather than pick out what you hate. That happens to represent a common and accurate scenario for a lot of couples. And it is funny too.

  11. I didn’t know just how many stitches could be required by “moderate tearing” during delivery. I also didn’t know that the side walls could tear (not just the perineum). Long story short, I got 15 stitches and a hell of a recovery.

  12. Great post! Wish I had read this before my first kiddo. I’ve had two c-sections and with both I had a major reaction to the antibiotics. Antibiotics always make me nauseated, but I wasn’t prepared for this… I’m in recovery and they hand me my baby. Two seconds later I’m asking the nurse to take him back because I need to throw up! What I thought would be such a sweet bonding time holding my baby for the first time was interrupted by me throwing up into a bucket held by my dear husband. This happened with both c-sections. With my second one in December, I was puking before we even left the operating room. I’m still lying flat on my back trying to turn my head to spew into a tray. Ewwww.

    And yes, the elastic girdle/binder thing is your absolute BFF after surgery. But as far as organs moving back in place, it just felt like menstrual cramps each time. Nothing major for me.

  13. Oh goodness! Lol. I didn’t have the privilege to poop on my doc 😉 but had a c section instead. I did get the experience my water breaking and the contractions that made me want to murder, but that was it! I just hate the smell of a hospital, idk why but it makes me nauseous. Also the organ thing with you was asking about the people who had c sections, I felt that! It’s weird. And to pee it felt like my bladder would shrink up lol idk if that was normal! 0.0

  14. Two things you missed (or at least that I experienced): convulsions so bad after birth that I couldn’t hold my own child without her crying and screaming and my OB fisting me with ease. That had to be the most awkward moment of my life. My placenta apparently wanted to leave behind some children of it’s own, so my OB had to fish them out. She kept yelling, “I need more light!!” I swear it echoed. I felt like she had her whole head up there for what seemed like a good 2 hours. I’m pretty sure it was no more than 10 minutes, but that was more than enough to make me wonder if my vagina would ever hold a tampon again.

  15. WOW!!! I just about got a migraine laughing my head off at these! I would add that for me after my second one I had a lot of pelvic pain. You know how it aches right in front during the last few weeks because joints are starting to stretch? Well, afterwards it hurt for me because things were trying to relax back to where they belong!

    1. That’s definitely a good one to bring up, Rebekah! Thanks for mentioning it! And I’m super glad that you enjoyed the article! It was almost too fun to write. (My sister and I laughed until we cried during the writing/edit stages…but we have a bizarre sense of humor. So I’m so glad to hear that our humor translates at least to a few fellow-weirdos out there!) I am sad about the migraine though…you’ll definitely need sleep the whole night through…guess Dad will have to take the evening shift… *wink* 🙂

  16. Hello! I am 19 weeks with my first child and this post made me and the hubby bust up laughing! It was very informative yet entertaining! THANK YOU!!!! Luckily I’ve seen about 3 friends deliver babies so I’ve seen most of these things in action…..the orgasm however is a new one…..but I’ll take one! yes please! hahah!!

  17. I absolutely had pain from my organs moving back! But only with my 2nd baby, & I don’t know if my advanced age (37 yrs) contributed. It was most noticeable when pressure was applied, like from clothes or how I was sitting. It wasn’t excruciating, just tender. I’d never heard anything about it & couldn’t find anything online, so the hubby & I were pretty worried. It was gone by my 6-week check-up. In the meantime, a heating pad helped some.

    Another thing no one warned me about? Round ligament pain AFTER birth. Apparently, it’s not common but it does happen & that one was excrutiating. It felt like something was tearing everytime I moved my torso or hips. I ended up using a c-section girdle to keep everything nice & contained. It helped a LOT with the pain & it went away completely after a couple weeks. The girdle also helped with that heavy, droopy feeling while the skin was shrinking back into place.

  18. I’m 26 weeks pregnant with my first and (luckily) still stoked about labor even after reading this! Haha. I read once somewhere that afterwards, when your organs move back into their correct pre-uterine alien positions, that it hurts like hell. Can anyone confirm/deny this? I’ve never read it anywhere else including on all those “oh yeah, did we mention this? yeah, this happens too” lists to scare women before birth.

    PS – I think the idea of an orgasm at birth sounds amazing! I’d much rather have an orgasm than feel like my vajayjay is being ripped apart by fire ants and I don’t give a crap who sees! (Or maybe I will give a crap, literally…)

    1. In my body, the organs moving back into place just felt like menstrual cramps. Uncomfortable and annoying, but not the type of pain that would leave me in bed moaning. Perhaps it’s different with cesareans. Is there a cesarean mom who can speak to this?

      LOL – I agree Stephanie! I would take that birth orgasm any day! Congrats on your pregnancy, exciting days are just around the corner!! 🙂

    2. Don’t know about pain from “organs moving back”. Uterus shrinking back, ok, you can feel that – but after your first kid, not that much. After my second, the afterpains were a lot worse. Still totally manageable though, like bad cramps or light contractions.

    3. Rad, thanks! I really wish I could find where I read that so I could reference it. For some reason it really stuck with me, maybe it was one of those “oh yeah, I bet that’s something you don’t think about” kind of postpartum phenomenons, but since I have never seen it mentioned anywhere else I was starting to question its validity. Figure it never hurts to be prepared!

    1. hahaha! Cameron has WISELY INSISTED I said no-such-things (although we both know he’s lying). Except he DOES like to tease me about declaring my undying love for the anesthesiologist in the middle of my pitocin-induced labor. 🙂

  19. I found the whole birthing process very special. I am not sure if it was the constant gushes of water with every contraction (that never let up and no one warned me about) or if it was my husband leaning over and whispering in my ear mid-contraction “why don’t you make these noises when we are having sex”? that really made it memorable for me. I will say that when i was offered a mirror and politely declined but was brought one anyways because “You are going to want to see this” it was almost like trying to take a test while watching TV. If i tried to look in the mirror i was told i was not pushing hard enough, if i concentrated on pushing my life away i was told i was missing everything in the mirror. Luck would be on my side when the Ob came to deliver and pushed that pesky mirror out of eye shot (thank goodness)

    1. I know what you mean Jacqueline! They had a mirror on the ceiling, and it was like watching a car crash. Part of me was yelling, LOOK AWAY! and yet my eyes were glued to that mirror in like I was in a weird trance.

  20. Oh God yes!
    #2 check: I was in too much pain to be embarrassed despite the fact that the nurse was NOT discreetly awesome.
    #4 check: don’t need to add anything
    #5 check: except for the lack of rock hard abs pre-baby LOL
    #8 check: too exhausted to feel embarrassed.
    #9 check: good thing I had dates at home. LOTS of dates. They were originally bought to help with the onset of labour, they ended up saving my life after tearing almost through and through *shudder*
    #10 check…kinda: I only got the squirt bottle & a sitz bath. Both of which I guarded with my life!

  21. Believe it or not I actually had an orgasm with the birth of my second….talk about embarrassing. A full blown orgasm that lasted several minutes (or so it felt). My friend called it ‘birth with happy ending’. I guess it was all the pressure. I can’t believe I had an orgasm in a room full of people, including my mother. Its been 8 years and that little tidbit still makes me cringe….lol

  22. If you are lucky enough to be one of 10% of women whose water breaks at the onset of labor, be prepared for your water to continue to flow like a faucet with a broken washer. No one told me that every time I stood up, took a step, or a breath that another gush would come out and continue until the baby was out. The two best memories were stuffing a full sized hand towel into my pants to get to the hospital and then have to spread my legs and cough to prove to the triage nurse that my water broke and I wasn’t just peeing myself. Awesome!

  23. Oh Sweet Lawd, Jesus!!!!!! I’m 16 weeks pregnant with my first, scared sh*tless about the labor process, and for some unknown reason of sanity, I read this and cringe ….. and laugh hysterically!!!! I hope I pass out and TAH-DAH there’s a baby waiting for me to cuddle. Thank you for sharing (I think) this very useful information, I’m bookmarking this for a rainy day. LOL

    1. Congrats on your pregnancy, Nicole! Very exciting! Don’t worry, friend, I’ve yet to meet a woman who had ALL of these happen in the same birth. LOL. And yes, the prize at the end makes it all bearably worthwhile. Glad you enjoyed the post!

    2. I’m 32 weeks pregnant and I’m panicking and scared shitless… I don’t know if I’ll ever be prepared.

    3. Mei, the good news is that after a while, your body just kinda does its thing you just ride the wave, so to speak. Millions and millions of other moms have been RIGHT were you are. You’ll do just fine. 🙂

    1. It was an (amazing) midwife, and she just looked kinda shellshocked… there was blood EVERYWHERE. My husband prefers to forget the whole thing.

  24. The ice panties and the squirt bottle were the best. I used that bottle even when I did not need to anymore. It was so…soothing and comforting and gentle. Those were the days…

  25. Oh yes. The blood. So much blood. My daughter arrived when I had stopped pushing, she just wanted out. The nurse didn’t have gloves on, the second nurse was just coming in, there hadn’t been any of the Let’s Get Ready For A Blood Fest preparations. There was a blood pool. We weren’t ready for that. I could feel my foot in a puddle of liquid while I was getting sewed up. Luckily we were focused on that new baby they tossed onto my lap and said “can you hold her?” because they had a lot of clean up to do.

  26. When I had my first c-section, I was shocked by the bleeding afterward, I had no idea! But, if you’ve had a c-section, your gas situation will happen after. All of that air that gets inside your abdomen when it’s opened up has to go somewhere. Pray it’s a toot and not up to your chest where you will feel like you’re having a heart attack.

    And don’t forget about the amazing meal that is your first food after you’ve had the baby. And your first gulp of water. And your first shower! All glorious.

    Oh! And, again if you’ve had a c-section, make sure you get the magic girdle that holds all of your guts in after the surgery. That girdle is your friend.

    1. These a great tips Sherry! Gas and bleeding are definitely not something you’d expect after a c-section. I’ve heard about the girdle, glad to hear it’s actually something worth the purchase!

  27. What? Ice Panties? I didn’t get those. I feel totally gypped. I sat on a cactus and I didn’t get ice panties!!

    I’m dying over #5. I’m so there. Pinterest board and all!

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