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Are You Ready for Parenthood? Take This Simple Test.

If you are going to be a parent, there is one thing you need have above everything else. 

It is vital to your long-term sanity.

VITAL!

You must (MUST!) have a sense of humor.

For example, you are going to say a lot of things that may not make much sense now, but will make a LOT of sense in the moment. Things like…

  • The dog does not need a manicure.
  • Please don’t wear my bra outside on your head. It is not a helmet.
  • The cat does not want to share its food with you.
  • Your penis itches? Let me see it.
  • {insert any item here} does not belong in your nose. Or your ear. Or your sister’s nose. Or her ear.
  • We don’t touch poop with our hands. Poop is not paint.

You are not going to be able to say these things without annoyance and frustration, if you can’t appreciate how absurd it is that you’re saying them in the first place. 

Not sure if you’ve got the necessary sense of humor to get you through the next eighteen years?

Here. This tests can help.

Twelve Tests to Make Sure
You’re Ready for Parenthood

 

Got your No. 2 pencil sharpened and ready to go?  Let’s dive in and see how you do!

Parenting Test #1: The Mess Test

Complete the following steps: 

  1. Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
  2. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
  3. Spill some milk on the floor of your vehicle, helplessly watch it seep into the carpet while you’re driving, and then let it grace you with it’s ghostly presence for the next 6 years.
  4. Draw a giant head with arms and legs extending out of it on the living room wall.  With a permanent marker.
  5. Pee on the floor in the kitchen. Then again in the living room, behind the drapes.
  6. Borrow a dirty diaper from a parent-friend and then leave it behind the diaper pail, forgotten, for a month or two.

Do you think you’ll be able to laugh at any of these messy situations? (Even if it’s not in the moment…)

That’s a PASS!

Parenting Test #2: The Dress Test

Let’s see if you’re prepared for The Dress Test.

  1. Buy a medium-sized live octopus from your local exotic pet store.
  2. Attempt to put the octopus into a mesh bag so none of the arms are hanging out.
  3. Repeat this process 3-6 times a day.

Congratulations! You have mastered the Dress Test! You are now prepared to change your squirmy toddler’s outfits! (And if you think you only have to do this once a day….. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *deep breath*  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Parenting Test #3: The Toy Test

There are actually two parts of The Toy Test. For the first part, you’ll need to purchase a 55-gallon drum of LEGOS.

Now, have a friend spread them all over the house and on the staircase. Place a sturdy blindfold over your eyes and then walk throughout the whole house without screaming. (Why without screaming? You’ll wake the baby!)

For the second part of the Toy Test, you’ll need to find the noisiest-most obnoxious toy on the planet.  I know what you’re thinking: “I’ll NEVER purchase that for my baby.” 

I believe you. I don’t think you will buy that toy. 

Grandma will.

So, in order to pass this test, you’ll need to ask your friend to push those buttons incessantly, timing you to see how long it takes before you break down and “forget” the toy at Goodwill.

Parenting Test #4: The Vehicle Test

Ready to take The Vehicle Test?

Go get your car detailed and cleaned. (Yay!)

Now…

  1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and leave it in a compartment in the back seat.
  2. Stick a dime into the CD Player.
  3. Liberally spray Cheerios all over. If none fall out when the doors open, try again.
  4. Wedge french fries into the gaps between the seats, so they can eternally calcify where your fingers can never reach.

Done? Now immediately got to your local car cleaner and purchase a year’s worth of cleanings ahead of time, RIGHT NOW. While you still have money.

 

Parenting Test #5: The Always Wrong Test

The Always Wrong Test may be the hardest test in this article, honestly. Brace yourself.

Go get a puppy. (Yay!)

Invite some complete strangers over to dinner and ask them to start criticizing your…

  1. methods of discipline
  2. lack of patience
  3. appallingly low tolerance levels
  4. feeding choices
  5. toilet training methods
  6. pretty much any decision you make for your puppy.

If you still have your self-esteem in tact after dessert, consider this test PASSED! You are now prepared parenting on Facebook!

Parenting Test #6: The Grocery Store Test

Right now, going to the grocery store is easy. You don’t think about it, you just go, pick up what you need, and leave. This is why The Grocery Store Test is so important. Those expectations are re-donkulous in the life ahead.

  1. Borrow a few small goats.
  2. Take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.
  3. Always keep them in sight.
  4. Pay for anything they eat or damage.

Do this until you can hear “Clean Up in Aisle 11” over the loudspeaker without cowering in shame.

Parenting Test #7: The Show Test

The Show Test SOUNDS like it won’t be that bad.

That’s a lie.

It’s awful.

Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney Channel, or Noggin for 5 years. Memorize all the characters (and songs) from Sesame Street, Thomas the Tank Engine, My Little Pony, Dora the Explorer, Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood, Paw Patrol, and the Octonauts.

 

Decide which shows you find most obnoxious (mine was Dora) and arrange your life around a single life goal: Keeping your kid from realizing that this show exists.

Ask Grandma to babysit for one hour.

Embrace your child’s new obsession. This is your life now.

Parenting Test #8: The Feed-A-Nine-Month-Old Test

I realize that you’re pretty far away from having to feed a 9-month-old, but trust me, you’re going to need the practice.

  1. Fill large plastic milk jug halfway with water.
  2. Tie it to the ceiling, so the opening is facing you, and the jug is parallel to the floor.
  3. Gently give it a push and let it swing back and forth.
  4. Making airplane noises, try to insert a spoon of baby food into the jug’s opening.
  5. When you’re finished, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

If you manage to get more than 5 spoonfuls into the jug within 15 minutes, consider that a PASS!

 

Parenting Test #9: The Name Test

The Name Test is actually an exciting milestone, at first. AT FIRST.

Your first task will be to make a recording of Fran Drescher saying “Mommy” over and over again. Now, making sure there’s no more than a 4-second delay between each “mommy”, listen to this tape in the car on repeat.

If you remember to say “Ask Dad!” within the first 5 minutes, give yourself an extra-credit point. 

Parenting Test #10: The Conversation Test

It’s a good thing you made that recording for Test #9, because you’re going to need it again in The Conversation Test.

  1. Start talking to the adult of your choice.
  2. Have someone continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt-sleeve, or elbow while playing the Fran Drescher “Mommy”.

If you can calmly transition from adult-child-adult without insulting anyone, consider this test PASSED.

Parenting Test #11: The Working Test

The Working Test is helpful to gauge how you’ll be able to transition into the work/home parenting balance.

  1. Come home from work and immediately begin to walk around the living room for 5 hours carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds.
  2. Attempt to eat cold food one handed, while shifting and bobbing the package up and down.
  3. At 10pm, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
  4. At midnight, walk around the living room with the bag, listening to a loud recording of a screaming hyena until 1am.
  5. Go back to sleep and set the alarm again for 3am.
  6. Since you’re too wired to go to sleep now (hyenas and all) get up at 2am, browse Amazon and end up purchasing this in a last-ditch effort to sneak some Z’s at the office.
  7. Finally fall asleep a 2:45am.
  8. Wake to the 3am alarm, and sing every nursery rhyme song you know, three times, until 4am. (Or use one of my sneaky ninja soothing tricks.)
  9. Get up.
  10. Dress the octopus.
  11. Feed the milk jug.
  12. Dress the octopus again.  (Because the octopus is now wearing the milk jug.)
  13. Go to work and be vibrantly productive.

Phew! This was an epically difficult test to pass! You will probably need to do this several times until you get it right. Or…you could take a cheat and let me teach you how to improve your newborn’s sleeping habits as quickly as possible.

Your Final Parenting Test #12 is…
The Love Test

Ready for your Final? This test is worth 100,000 points, so I hope you studied!

  1. Close your eyes and picture your baby’s face.  (Or what you imagine your baby’s face to be.)
  2. Imagine those cheeks-with eyes turning towards you, locking with your eyes and giving you the biggest, silliest, goofiest grin God ever made.
  3. Watch his chubby little arms reach to the sky as he waits for you to pick him up.
  4. Realize that you, through loving this little person, am about to change the world. 

Forget all about Tests 1-11.

Surprisingly, they suddenly don’t seem matter that much…

Have You Read These Yet?

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4 thoughts on “Are You Ready for Parenthood? Take This Simple Test.

  1. I kept thinking that if I’d read this over a year ago I would’ve never gotten pregnant, but then I get to test #12…(* sigh) I love the heck out of my little 4 month old octopus.

  2. Oh my goodness! Too funny! I liked the mess test and the grocery store test the best… Oh, and the name test. 🙂 This was good for some laughs. Something I would add would be a recording playing my PK words of wisdom when I’m in the middle of one of these tests now. Wish I could take it all back! Boy I knew so much before I had kids!

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